My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
