He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
