I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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