how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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