Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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