She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
