My liver just broke up with me...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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