Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
