who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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