remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
