I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
