you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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