even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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