I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
