I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
