Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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