There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
