True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
farters have to be the big spoon...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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