Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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