maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
