Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
