I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
