I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
