if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
false alarm. still invincible.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
