I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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