My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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