College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
