I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
