Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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