and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
