chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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