I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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