did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
