I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
