I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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