she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
