When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think people are normalizing furries
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
