UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
