oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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