Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
