wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
