after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
