Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
