I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
