Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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