Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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