Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
