That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
