I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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