that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
