Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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