So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
